So if you’ve been following my blog for a bit you might be noticing a theme at the moment.
Specifically the BS ones. We all have these patterns in our brains, neural pathways, running the same shit over and over – mainly because our brains are lazy. Why dig out a new path in the snow when there’s already one just over there?!
These old pathways though, repeated stories which have created your sense of self, play on repeat like an old stuck record, way more than you can begin to believe. Trust me – I’ve been learning about this stuff for over 3 years now – I’ve practically studied for an unofficial degree in happiness, confidence and self awareness. Actually scratch that – I’d gonna go out on a limb and upgrade that to an unofficial PHD – there’s been a metric fucktonne of reading and learning as it’s my special interest aka obsession.
When these stories on repeat really outgrow us, they contradict our dreams (or our life purpose – whether known or unknown) because their main job is to keep you safe (i.e. not moving or doing anything in some cases if yours is particularly loud and booming) and over time, they dim the little light that shines inside us.
When we have that fight going on inside us for too long, the pressure can become too much to bear… when you don’t acknowledge that spark inside, that feeling in your gut, your inner knowing, or the little voice that wants the best for us (the one we make quiet by listening to the loud one that sprouts all the BS) your body eventually steps up to the job and tries to tell you you’re off track, that can be in the form of depression, anxiety, something nagging away not right. I mean, how awesome is that – all of us, with our own sat nav to guide us the right way… if we only just bloody listened!!!
But it’s the pesky old stories keep that keep us stuck, unhappy, wanting one thing then doing the opposite (think diets and slices of cake, ahem). It’s our habits that keep us doing the same thing day in day out, and it’s fear about stepping out of these safe patterns that prevent us from taking that first step outside your comfort zone. Team up your lazy brain along with the huge part of you that is a fear mongering scaredycat fun sponge and you’ve got a right job on your hands when it comes to making any changes to feel happy or good about yourself.
We can either stick our fingers in our ears whist shouting la la la to the end and numbing ourselves from it all or we can do something about it before it’s too late and we’re all old and regretful and shit.
The thing I learnt is that we have to listen and do those things that mean a lot to us – even if you have to spend some time working out what it is in life that have a meaning for us. Yes it can feel scary, but is it really worth spending your life doing things to distract us and numb us so we don’t feel so out of place?
The thing that stopped me from following some of my own ideas through for so long was my own sense of self – who am I to do this? None of my friends are doing anything like this. What is the point? I’ll only fail. People are going to think I’m stupid/weird. Why bother? It’s not going to make a difference. I’ll look a fool… blah blah blah.
But I was telling myself an old story. A really old one. One that was written when something upsetting happened to me and I was too young to see it objectively and so instead of thinking “I can’t believe people could be so cruel” or “What on earth happened to these people in their life to make them act like that?”, I created a meaning that something was wrong with me and I was unacceptable, that people only really want to hurt you and belittle you even if they act like they like you at first, that I would only be accepted if I acted a certain way etc etc.
As soon as did anything that triggered those old stories off, cue feelings of depression, anxiety, what am I doing with my life, I’m not happy, I can’t do this etc.
I decided that I needed a tool to help me. I was good at finding tools… only once it got too much to bear obviously… but isn’t that always the case? It’s only once we get so tired of our own bullshit that we actually take action.
I’d used photography to combat my memory issues after some sad childhood stuff. I used that in a way to remind myself that my life wasn’t as bad as my head made out to be. Maybe I needed something to remind myself that I’m not as bad as I seem to think too!
I created “The Big Book of I’m Awesome” to remind myself that I was more capable than my head was telling me. And I had to look at it every day to positively brainwash myself so I step into the identity of who I am living life as and being, not as the stories I made up about myself when I was little and feeling hurt by the world.
After stepping out from my first business, FlukePhotography to begin working on Professional Rebel combining photography with confidence and wellbeing experiences, I found it really hard to move forwards with it at times. It was a big challenge, because something inside me was clashing and keeping me afraid and self sabotaging to protect myself from moving forwards so I had to do something to help me be the person who did this.
You see I believe that you have to be ready for when that thing that you want happens so you don’t fuck it up. You have to believe you are the person that does that, has that, is that. If you want one thing but your head is telling you you’re a sack of shit excuse of a human being, even if you work your lady balls off to get it, you will snap right back to who you think you are and what you believe you deserve. After a few years of smacking your face against your own internal glass ceiling, you either give up or realise you’ve got to do something different.
We wouldn’t have these ideas if we weren’t supposed to do something about them. I know we keep our dreams a secret and it’s hard to share them never mind do something about them.
My ideas have helped many people in all sorts of different situations. And it took a long time for it to really sink in so I could see it and receive it. Creating my Big Book of I’m Awesome helped me do this.
Sometimes we have to get out of our own way. Sometimes we have to know that other people are going through these things too so we don’t feel alone, weird, lost.
What things do you need to do? Do you even know?
What are the stories stopping you? Do you even have any idea? Is it sending you batshit crazy?
p.s. if this resonated with you and you want support working through this, Professional Rebel’s Courage and Confidence Crew is just what you need!
A community for unconventional, creative and rebellious women who want to develop the courage and confidence to live life unedited – find out more here!